Episode 1: “The Prime Directives of Dumb”
Star-date 6969.42
Mission Summary:
The USS Enterprise receives a distress signal from a fictional sovereign nation on Earth known as Pineland. Starfleet Command orders an undercover “urban adventuring expedition” to evaluate this backwoods anomaly for Federation First Contact protocols—or possibly just to get Spock to go outside for once.
Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Uhura, Scotty, and two redshirts (who already updated their wills) beam down in “Rite-Aid tactical wear”, posing as yuppies from Charlotte who got lost on a camping trip. Their objective? Observe and not interfere… unless they feel like it.
Key Scenes:
- Kirk flirts with a local waitress who is also the mayor, postmaster, and commander of the Pineland Irregulars. He offers her “cultural exchange,” shirtless.
- Spock is perplexed by a barbecue smoker shaped like a dragon.
Spock: “Fascinating. The primary heat source appears to be flavored wood chips and testosterone.” - McCoy is immediately offered homemade shine and shot at for asking about water purification.
McCoy: “Damn it Jim, I’m a doctor, not a distillery inspector!” - Scotty installs a tractor carburetor onto his communicator to get a signal.
Scotty: “It’s nae Starfleet standard, but she’ll talk to orbit if ya hold her near the still.” - Uhura intercepts a local radio broadcast:
“Tonight’s hog-calling championship will be hosted by the Bearded One. No lights after 2100 or you’ll be assumed to be OPFOR.” - Redshirt #1 is mistaken for a new student in the SERE School and is never seen again.
- Redshirt #2 starts a small cult after introducing the locals to dehydrated ice cream and saying “I come in peace.”
Climactic Twist:
Just as the crew tries to leave, The BEARDED ONE captures them and demands they explain why they are wearing matching boots and smell like DEET and self-righteousness. A heated debate on the ethics of Starfleet’s Prime Directive vs. Pineland’s Field Sanitation SOP ensues.
Final Line (Kirk Log):
“We came to observe, but learned something greater: in Pineland, the real final frontier… is common sense.”