PINELAND ISLAND: UNFILTERED
“Just a three-hour cruise… into madness, lust, and government surveillance.”
A Pineland TV Original Sitcom. NSFW. NSFL. NS… ever airing on CBS.
THE PREMISE
Seven strangers set sail on a “consciousness-expanding” cruise sponsored by a crypto startup, a freedom militia, and an off-brand ayahuasca retreat. A rogue EMP blast (or was it HAARP?) maroons them on a secret island where nothing is real, time is broken, and the coconuts have listening devices.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
- Gilligan – Now a Twitch streamer and amateur drone pilot with ADHD and three burner phones. Accidentally leaked the GPS coordinates to the wrong subreddit. Says “bro” every five seconds.
- The Skipper – Retired Navy chief turned paranoid prepper. Thinks the island is a FEMA reeducation camp. Carries six EDC knives and hosts a podcast called “Anchor & Ammo.”
- The Millionaire (Thurston Howell III) – Now a disgraced hedge fund CEO hiding crypto in a hollowed-out Bible. Only trusts his AI assistant “ChadGPT.”
- Mrs. Howell (Lovey) – Divorced. Horny. Medicated. On the island to “find herself” and also to seduce anyone with a pulse and a generator.
- Ginger – Former A-list starlet turned OnlyFans icon. Streams everything, including meltdowns, witch rituals, and her occasional attempts to cook using vape pens.
- Mary Ann – Country girl turned anarchist gardener. Microdoses shrooms and leads a resistance movement against coconut inflation.
- The Professor – Actually a disgraced CDC virologist on the run. Trying to reverse-engineer ivermectin into kombucha. Wears a lab coat made of banana leaves. Talks to frogs.
THEME SONG (to the original tune, totally broken)
Just sit right back and hear a tale,
Of a trip gone off the rails…
It started as a crypto cruise,
Now it’s tinfoil fairy tales…
The streamer dude was Gilligan,
The Skipper stashed some rounds…
Five other kooks set sail that day,
To flee from global clowns… (THEY FLED FROM GLOO-BO-AL CLOWNS…)
The storm came fast, the nav app died,
The tethers all came loose…
Now they’re trapped in hellish paradise,
With theories and no juice.
With Mary Ann,
And Ginger too,
The millionaire and his ex,
The Skipper, Prof, and Gilligan…
On this unfiltered mess!
PILOT EPISODE: “WELCOME TO PINELAND, BITCHES”
Cold Open:
Gilligan livestreams a “Sovereign Seas Party” aboard the S.S. Libertad, surrounded by drunk libertarians and flat-earthers. A mysterious EMP strike takes down all tech. Chaos. Screams. Autotune.
Act I: Discovery
The group wakes up on an uncharted island with strange topography, suspicious totems, and an old laptop nailed to a tree with the words “THE RESET HAS BEGUN” on-screen.
The Skipper immediately digs a fallout bunker. Mary Ann starts growing “alternative medicine.” Ginger sets up a camera tripod and a satin sheet over driftwood.
Act II: Conflict
Professor tries to purify water using influencer tears and crushed vitamins. Mrs. Howell asks if anyone has “any of that fun Adderall the Navy gives out.” Thurston bribes Gilligan to climb the highest tree for cell signal—he falls and lands in a CIA spy turtle nest.
Act III: Revelation
Mary Ann finds cave paintings that predict their arrival… including a crude drawing of Gilligan holding a selfie stick. Ginger livestreams it as proof of ancient algorithms.
Final scene:
A drone flies overhead, drops a crate labeled: “SURVIVAL INFLUENCER COLLAB KIT – PROPERTY OF BLACKROCK MEDIA.”
They open it and find:
- Beard oil
- Tactical yoga mats
- One ham sandwich
- A blinking red camera
Cue credits.
TAGLINE:
“They came to unplug… now they’re f*ed.”**
Want Episode 2: “The Coconut Coup”, where Mary Ann declares herself Queen and Ginger starts a rival island podcast called Hot Takes from Hut 3?
