Kirk tried diplomacy. Spock tried logic. McCoy just tried not to puke.
Beamed straight into the interrogation hut of Pineland SERE School, the Enterprise crew stood face-to-beard with the legendary Bearded One—camp commander, psychological warfare enthusiast, and part-time taxidermist.
Kirk thought: “I’ve negotiated with Klingons. Surely I can handle one sweaty mountain druid.”
Spock calculated: “Eighty-two percent chance this man believes squirrels are surveillance drones.”
McCoy muttered: “Dammit Jim, I’m a doctor, not a voodoo chicken therapist.”
Scotty, off-camera, was already trying to rewire a femur into a subspace antenna.
The Bearded One, arms crossed and eyes scanning for weakness, thought: “These boys got soft hands. Gonna feed ’em feathers and make ’em scream in three languages.”
Behind him, the witch doctor, skull-faced and silent, thought only: “I wonder if Vulcan ears hold extra soul.”
Episode 1: “The Prime Directives of Dumb” Star-date 6969.42
Mission Summary: The USS Enterprise receives a distress signal from a fictional sovereign nation on Earth known as Pineland. Starfleet Command orders an undercover “urban adventuring expedition” to evaluate this backwoods anomaly for Federation First Contact protocols—or possibly just to get Spock to go outside for once.
Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Uhura, Scotty, and two redshirts (who already updated their wills) beam down in “Rite-Aid tactical wear”, posing as yuppies from Charlotte who got lost on a camping trip. Their objective? Observe and not interfere… unless they feel like it.
Key Scenes:
Kirk flirts with a local waitress who is also the mayor, postmaster, and commander of the Pineland Irregulars. He offers her “cultural exchange,” shirtless.
Spock is perplexed by a barbecue smoker shaped like a dragon. Spock: “Fascinating. The primary heat source appears to be flavored wood chips and testosterone.”
McCoy is immediately offered homemade shine and shot at for asking about water purification. McCoy: “Damn it Jim, I’m a doctor, not a distillery inspector!”
Scotty installs a tractor carburetor onto his communicator to get a signal. Scotty: “It’s nae Starfleet standard, but she’ll talk to orbit if ya hold her near the still.”
Uhura intercepts a local radio broadcast: “Tonight’s hog-calling championship will be hosted by the Bearded One. No lights after 2100 or you’ll be assumed to be OPFOR.”
Redshirt #1 is mistaken for a new student in the SERE School and is never seen again.
Redshirt #2 starts a small cult after introducing the locals to dehydrated ice cream and saying “I come in peace.”
Climactic Twist:
Just as the crew tries to leave, The BEARDED ONE captures them and demands they explain why they are wearing matching boots and smell like DEET and self-righteousness. A heated debate on the ethics of Starfleet’s Prime Directive vs. Pineland’s Field Sanitation SOP ensues.
Final Line (Kirk Log): “We came to observe, but learned something greater: in Pineland, the real final frontier… is common sense.”
“Just a three-hour cruise… into madness, lust, and government surveillance.”
A Pineland TV Original Sitcom. NSFW. NSFL. NS… ever airing on CBS.
THE PREMISE
Seven strangers set sail on a “consciousness-expanding” cruise sponsored by a crypto startup, a freedom militia, and an off-brand ayahuasca retreat. A rogue EMP blast (or was it HAARP?) maroons them on a secret island where nothing is real, time is broken, and the coconuts have listening devices.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
Gilligan – Now a Twitch streamer and amateur drone pilot with ADHD and three burner phones. Accidentally leaked the GPS coordinates to the wrong subreddit. Says “bro” every five seconds.
The Skipper – Retired Navy chief turned paranoid prepper. Thinks the island is a FEMA reeducation camp. Carries six EDC knives and hosts a podcast called “Anchor & Ammo.”
The Millionaire (Thurston Howell III) – Now a disgraced hedge fund CEO hiding crypto in a hollowed-out Bible. Only trusts his AI assistant “ChadGPT.”
Mrs. Howell (Lovey) – Divorced. Horny. Medicated. On the island to “find herself” and also to seduce anyone with a pulse and a generator.
Ginger – Former A-list starlet turned OnlyFans icon. Streams everything, including meltdowns, witch rituals, and her occasional attempts to cook using vape pens.
Mary Ann – Country girl turned anarchist gardener. Microdoses shrooms and leads a resistance movement against coconut inflation.
The Professor – Actually a disgraced CDC virologist on the run. Trying to reverse-engineer ivermectin into kombucha. Wears a lab coat made of banana leaves. Talks to frogs.
THEME SONG (to the original tune, totally broken)
Just sit right back and hear a tale, Of a trip gone off the rails… It started as a crypto cruise, Now it’s tinfoil fairy tales…
The streamer dude was Gilligan, The Skipper stashed some rounds… Five other kooks set sail that day, To flee from global clowns… (THEY FLED FROM GLOO-BO-AL CLOWNS…)
The storm came fast, the nav app died, The tethers all came loose… Now they’re trapped in hellish paradise, With theories and no juice.
With Mary Ann, And Ginger too, The millionaire and his ex, The Skipper, Prof, and Gilligan… On this unfiltered mess!
PILOT EPISODE: “WELCOME TO PINELAND, BITCHES”
Cold Open: Gilligan livestreams a “Sovereign Seas Party” aboard the S.S. Libertad, surrounded by drunk libertarians and flat-earthers. A mysterious EMP strike takes down all tech. Chaos. Screams. Autotune.
Act I: Discovery The group wakes up on an uncharted island with strange topography, suspicious totems, and an old laptop nailed to a tree with the words “THE RESET HAS BEGUN” on-screen.
The Skipper immediately digs a fallout bunker. Mary Ann starts growing “alternative medicine.” Ginger sets up a camera tripod and a satin sheet over driftwood.
Act II: Conflict Professor tries to purify water using influencer tears and crushed vitamins. Mrs. Howell asks if anyone has “any of that fun Adderall the Navy gives out.” Thurston bribes Gilligan to climb the highest tree for cell signal—he falls and lands in a CIA spy turtle nest.
Act III: Revelation Mary Ann finds cave paintings that predict their arrival… including a crude drawing of Gilligan holding a selfie stick. Ginger livestreams it as proof of ancient algorithms.
Final scene: A drone flies overhead, drops a crate labeled: “SURVIVAL INFLUENCER COLLAB KIT – PROPERTY OF BLACKROCK MEDIA.”
They open it and find:
Beard oil
Tactical yoga mats
One ham sandwich
A blinking red camera
Cue credits.
TAGLINE:
“They came to unplug… now they’re f*ed.”**
Want Episode 2: “The Coconut Coup”, where Mary Ann declares herself Queen and Ginger starts a rival island podcast called Hot Takes from Hut 3?
“Dirty Balls Hairy: Pineland Police Inspector” From the deranged creative cellblocks of Pineland TV Studios, deep within the fictional Republic of Pineland, comes the first in a new series of bobbleheaded, batshit insane sitcoms that nobody asked for but everyone needs…
“DIRTY BALLS HAIRY” – The only lawman on the force with a .44 Magnum, a four-inch bobble neck, and zero patience for bureaucracy, hippies, and weak coffee.
Hairy’s not just dirty—he’s filthy with justice, sarcasm, and war crimes pending review.
INTRO NARRATION (voiceover by gravel-throated Vietnam vet) “In a town where rules are optional, and violence is mandatory… only one man stands between order and total FUBAR. He’s got a badge, a bionic prostate, and a burning desire to empty his six-shooter… and not in a therapeutic way. He’s DIRTY BALLS HAIRY, Pineland’s last line of defense against communists, consultants, and cancel culture.”
TAGLINE: “Go ahead… make my day, MUTHA FA!*”
Memorable Quotes from Dirty Balls Hairy, Season 1 “You got the right to remain silent. Use it. Or I’ll exercise my right to ballistic diplomacy.”
“Pineland Penal Code Section 420: All suspects are guilty until I say otherwise.”
“My safe word is ‘interrogation.’ Now talk!”
“I got more stripes than a zebra in a bar fight and less patience than a 3rd Battalion team sergeant in rush hour.”
“They gave me a badge. Then took it away. Then gave it back. Nobody else applied.”
Recurring Characters Captain Fubar – The chief of police and Dirty Hairy’s eternal migraine. Constantly on the verge of retirement and/or homicide.
Sgt. Lip Gloss – Hairy’s bobblehead partner, a glam-rock survivor turned streetwise enforcer. Fights crime in glitter boots.
Mayor Moonbeam – Woke, confused, and bribable. Thinks Pineland is a yoga commune.
The Bearded One – Hairy’s arch nemesis. An ex-SERE instructor turned warlord. Speaks only in coded trivia and smells like regret.
Episode Titles (Season One) “Magnum Opus (in Court)”
“Trigger Discipline is for Quitters”
“Make My Daycare”
“High-Speed Chase on a Rascal Scooter”
“Woke Up in Jail (Again)”
“Hairy’s Holiday: A Red Flag Christmas”
Coming soon to PinelandTV.com and your nightmares. 🪖 “Justice has never bobbled this hard.”
The M18A1 Claymore mine has a horizontally convex gray-green plastic case (inert training versions are light blue or green with a light blue band). The shape was developed through experimentation to deliver the optimum distribution of fragments at 50 m (55 yd) range. The case has the words “FRONT TOWARD ENEMY” embossed on the front of the mine. A simple open sight on the top surface allows for aiming the mine. Two pairs of scissor legs attached to the bottom support the mine and allow it to be aimed vertically. On both sides of the sight are fuse wells set at 45 degrees. Internally the mine contains a layer of C-4 explosive behind a matrix of about seven hundred 1⁄8-inch-diameter (3.2 mm) steel balls set into an epoxy resin.
The 7th Special Forces Group (Airborne) [7th SFG(A)] played a pivotal role in the early stages of U.S. involvement in Southeast Asia during the Vietnam War. Established on May 20, 1960, from the reorganization of the 77th Special Forces Group, the 7th SFG(A) was among the first U.S. Army Special Forces units to engage in unconventional warfare in the region .Log in or sign up to view+3Log in or sign up to view+3Wikipedia+3specialforceshistory.info+2Wikipedia+2Military Wiki+2
Operation White Star: Early Engagement in Laos
Before the Vietnam War escalated, the 7th SFG(A) was involved in Operation White Star in Laos. Beginning in 1957 under the initial designation of Project Hotfoot, U.S. Special Forces, including personnel from the 77th and later the 7th SFG(A), trained the Royal Laotian Army and indigenous groups like the Hmong and Yao to resist the Pathet Lao insurgency. This mission marked one of the earliest significant deployments of U.S. Special Forces in Southeast Asia .specialforceshistory.info
Expansion into Vietnam and Southeast Asia
As U.S. involvement deepened, the 7th SFG(A) expanded operations into South Vietnam and Thailand. Their missions included training local forces, conducting reconnaissance, and engaging in counterinsurgency operations. The group’s expertise in unconventional warfare made them a valuable asset in the complex terrain and political landscape of Southeast Asia .Wikipedia+3Log in or sign up to view+3Log in or sign up to view+3Wikipedia
Captain Roger Donlon: A Historic Medal of Honor Recipient
In July 1964, Captain Roger H.C. Donlon, commanding a 7th SFG(A) detachment at Nam Dong, South Vietnam, led a successful defense against a Viet Cong attack. For his leadership and bravery, Donlon became the first U.S. soldier to receive the Medal of Honor during the Vietnam War and the first Special Forces member to be so honored .Wikipedia
Legacy and Continued Operations
The 7th SFG(A)’s early involvement in Southeast Asia set the stage for its continued presence in global special operations. Their experiences in Laos and Vietnam contributed to the development of U.S. Special Forces tactics and strategies that are still in use today. The group’s commitment to unconventional warfare and foreign internal defense remains a cornerstone of its mission .Wikipedia+3Log in or sign up to view+3Log in or sign up to view+3Wikipedia
For a more detailed account of the 7th SFG(A)’s operations during this period, including insights into their training missions and combat engagements, refer to the article “A Team Effort” on the ARSOF History website.
Colonel James Nicholas “Nick” Rowe (February 8, 1938 – April 21, 1989)
Colonel James “Nick” Rowe U.S. Army Special Forces Hero – POW, Escapee, and Founder of SERE School
Colonel Nick Rowe (1938–1989) was a legendary U.S. Army Special Forces officer and one of only 34 American POWs to escape captivity during the Vietnam War. Captured in 1963, Rowe endured over five years of brutal imprisonment before making a daring escape. His firsthand experience inspired the development of the U.S. Army’s Survival, Evasion, Resistance, and Escape (SERE) training program—now a cornerstone of Special Operations Forces training worldwide.
As a Green Beret, Rowe exemplified courage, innovation, and resilience. He helped institutionalize doctrine that continues to save American lives in hostile environments. In 1989, while serving in the Philippines on a counterinsurgency mission, he was tragically assassinated by communist guerrillas from the New People’s Army.
De Oppresso Liber – He Lived the Motto LEGEND. TEACHER. WARRIOR.
